Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Waves of Grief: A Year Later

When you lose someone you love, no one ever tells you what that pain feels like. No one can understand they very basic nature of that kind of pain. Unless you've felt it, you can't understand the waves...

Mi Querido Papito

It comes, and it goes, a little less every time, but it hits you without warning. You can ride the waves or let them crash against you. 

Today marks a year that Papito passed away. It may sound crazy, but I feel him around me sometimes. And in the days leading up to this anniversary his presence has felt stronger. 

He has been motivating me to keep pushing forward in those moments when the waves try to consume me.  I usually end up with tears in my eyes and then laughing - laughing thinking "ay Papito, thank you." 

Thank him for what? I don't know. For taking me out of my moment of grief...for sparking a funny thought that ends those tears...

I'm thankful I had him for so many years. I am thankful for the lessons I keep learning. For the white butterflies that suddenly flutter around me. For the random smell of candy in the air. For the little messages that I just feel are from him. For the feeling that I'm not alone when I miss him so much and just want to pick up the phone to hear his voice, his corny jokes, his sage advice, to hear him sing, to hear him laugh... 

Honestly, sometimes I just want to stop - I don't want to function. But I catch myself. I try to think positively knowing that he is still with me, in my heart, in my thoughts, rooting for me in the sweet hereafter

A year after Papitos passing, I am still riding the waves. I breathe through them, and I let them wash over me and through me. Then I think of happy moments and the waves pass. And I smile.