Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Fear of Success

Being afraid of success can be as debilitating as fear of failure. You run around making other things a priority instead of what is important - achieving your dreams. 

I think that by staying at the firm, I've been putting up a road block to my dreams.  

There's this case I've had since I started at this firm (4 years ago). I became friendly with the Plaintiff's Counsel (a husband and wife team) and every time they see me they're like, you're still there? And I grumble, "yea...." *kicking rocks.*

The husband-half of the team once said "what do you want to do?" I can't very well start talking about my acting. So I just say "I'm over litigation."

Their suggestion is to go In house for an entertainment / media company, an option I've toyed with for a long time, and applied for without any luck... because my heart is in acting. And those jobs don't seem to have the flexibility that I need.

I need a job that provides income and allows me the time I need to audition. I had a dream last night that I got offered a job shining shoes. I don't wana do feet. So how can I find a job well suited to my strengths that gives me that flexibility? And if I try to create that opportunity for myself, will the time it takes also be another way for me to build another road block that will distract me from my acting career?

At my current job a lot of my time is taken because it's high stress. In order to audition, I'm using my vacation days, taking long lunches and making up the time late at night, and work from home on occasion. But I can't do that every week. And the billable hour will always haunt me. A full time legal gig just won't cut it.

I'm trying to see if work in social media is feasible for me - my blog is amazing, but the income it generates is not enough to pay the bills right now. What do I do?

Right now, by staying where I am, I feel like I'm blocking potential opportunities. I think maybe I'm just afraid. Afraid of the change, the instability in income, the bills - but those are just road blocks preventing me from fully committing. I've got to find a way past that. 

I've been saving money. So that plan has been in place for a while. I can't go back to teaching because I get so attached to the kids. I can't work at a firm because it's too much commitment. I might be able to go back to the marketing work I used to do, but I'm not sure about the level of flexibility once you're on a campaign and traveling, etc. Aside from being a waitress (which I would suck at), or shining shoes, what can I do? 

What do you think, my deep thinkers?