Sunday, May 1, 2011

Embrace Your Colors

My Catholic School Girl mentality is engrained in me. I'm polite, I am hospitable, I recognize the appropriate way to behave in social situations,  there's a different way to behave in Church at work, at a restaurant, as a guest in someones home, etc. But that doesn't mean I don't have many other colors. 

I become enraged when I feel someone has taken advantage of someone in my family. I don't like confrontation for myself, but I won't back away from defending someone I love.

I've done it for my parents, my cousins, for aunts, for my sister, my friends... even people (including family) that really didn't even deserve or appreciate my help in the end. I try to control this part of me but it's something innate that causes me to throw my body in front of the person I'm defending and go toe to toe with the offender. But that's the most I would allow myself to step out of line. 

Before law school I always tried to keep the peace, held my tongue, and was obedient. When I came out of law school I was an a**hole. 

All the dark colors of my pent up anger about the crap I was going through over there (the racism, the emotional abuse, the feelings of isolation and inferiority, having to prove the assumptions of ignorant people wrong, and the arrogance that comes with learning how to think a different way) exploded when I came back. 

Then I went to therapy, and learned to deal with my anger in a healthier way ( no more abstract art being hurled onto canvases). I became more balanced - I acknowledge the pastels on my palette. I'm not tied by my plaid-skirt-and-collared-shirt mentality. But I am aware of my rainbow. 

I'm warm, caring, and maternal, I'm tough as nails if you cross someone I love, I am extremely sensitive if you get passed my armor, and I will cater to you if I call you my friend, and even more if you're my partner. 

Everyone has a rainbow of colors in them. We don't always feel free to show them all. Maybe its a fear that our colors are too intense. 

That's why I love movies. I live in the character when I watch a film. That's why I'm so drawn to acting. I can be free - I can live in someones shoes and my actions will be justified in the truth of the moment in the story being told. I don't have to be afraid that my colors are blinding. 

I've taken that freedom from acting and am slowly incorporating it into my own life. I am FREE to be MYSELF. The professional, the zen, the coquette, the authortative, the sexy, the enraged, the obedient, the creative, the a**hole, the little kid, the maternal and the knight in shining armor...all of it is part of me and it's OK. 

Every inch of me is a firework. Just like every inch of you. We have different colors, but when we allow them to light up the sky, God is it beautiful.

Also, I am an amazon associate. So if you purchase an item through my amazon links, I get some cha-ching in my wallet, which makes me happy.