Friday, October 16, 2009

Anxiety - a sneaky little wench

After I started blogging, life became a little easier. I got to vent into this cyber world and not worry about curbing what I needed to say. That helped tone down the stress in my life. Then, when I started the acting classes, my worries about how much I hate my job and finding a new job subsided. So there was even less stress! Focusing my energy on doing what I love is a breath of fresh air.

However, the air isn't fresh all the time.  I've found two things I love to do but that doesn't take away from the fact that I'm still doing this one thing I hate.

I don't love the law. I think that's sad. I worked so hard to pass those damn bars, just to whisper to myself, "FCUK this," every chance I get. I don't love litigation. But I deal with it. Would I try transactional legal work? Perhaps. Would an in-house position be better than being at a law firm with the damn billable hour? Maybe. Can I get there NOW? The odds are against it.

I don't mind doing the work - for the most part. And some of the partners I work with are actually very understanding. I just have no motivation to do be there. I'm on the trial lawyer track and I want to jump off the train.

Knowing that I don't want to do this is all fine and good. But when I realize how unmotivated I am, I start to panic. I ask myself, "am I even doing a good job?" Even though I hate what I do, I still want to do it well.

So I start wringing my hands. It would be nice if I could just quit. I can only revel in those unrealistic thoughts for about half a second, because then another kind of anxiety hits:  money. Why would I quit in this economy? What if I don't find another job quick enough? Yada yada yada.

Friggin' nerves.

Then I sober up and understand that I'm a bit in limbo here. I tell myself I just gotta plow through it.

But if I've learned anything in this life, its that you don't want to say, "I got through it." Rather, its better to say (and to know) "I lived."

*picture of caged birds at my grandmothers home.