Monday, July 20, 2009

Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away

Dear little girl,

I want you to know that I love you with all my heart. And I want to tell you how deeply sorry I am.

I could not save you, no matter how hard I tried. I was so protective of you, trying to make sure that no one would hurt you. And then in an instant, when I wasn't looking, the light in your eyes died, the sweet in your voice soured, and I failed to recognize the signs that flashed in front of me screaming "HELP HER".

I wish I would have known sooner. I wish I could have stopped the harm before it started. I wish I could have comforted you and told you it wasn't your fault. I am sorry I was not there.

I am sorry one hundred times over that I cannot change the past or heal your wounds. I am sorry that I do not have the courage to speak these words to you.

My biggest fear in this life is that someone will hurt you again, I will lose you, and I will have failed to save you once again. I only want to shield you from the horrors of this world - the worst of which you have already seen. So forgive me, my sunshine, for the fear that consumes me.

I know that you are a woman now, strong, in charge, confident, happy, and you are not mired by the excruciating wounds of the past. You made it through that darkness and you blaze a trail wherever you go. You are a survivor and an inspiration to us all.

I will try to let go of the fear in my heart and the guilt that weighs on me. I do not wish that you ever have to relive this sadness. One day, I will be brave enough to show you these words, and you will know that wherever you are in this world, I will always be here, waiting to hold your hand through anything.

I love you . God Bless you.


*photograph of one of my ancestors